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Weekly Top Zen: Unsinkable

 

One hundred years ago this month a great tragedy occurred in the North Atlantic. More than 1,500 people lost their lives in the middle of the ocean, and years have been spent retracing exactly what went awry that fateful night. Yes, this year marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. In memory of that infamous night, and in honor of the hundreds dead, you can see Kate Winslet’s post-production-converted 3D breasts on the big screen for roughly $9, plus the cost of Reese’s Pieces.

James Cameron’s “Titanic” has returned to theaters nationwide, and not soon enough, if you ask me. I remember it like it was just yesterday, sitting in my second-grade classroom, listening to my friends recount, down to the half-second, exactly how long you could see Winslet’s chest on screen. In hushed whispers during free time, I was made aware of just how many sex scenes were featured in the film, how many people fell from the top of the capsizing vessel and how long it took before (spoiler alert) Leonardo DiCaprio finally did us all a favor and drowned.

And honestly, what better way to pay tribute to one of the most fatal sailing disasters outside of wartime than to render it in eye-popping, vertigo-inducing 3D? Clearly, I’m not the only one who thinks this. 

Every day this month I’ve checked various news and social media sites only to find yet another blurb about the film’s re-release or some new Twitter hashtag featuring a quote from “My Heart Will Go On.” The historic event was important, but experiencing Celine Dion in surround sound is vital to our generation.

We’re in the midst of a presidential election season (one of the most verbally and ideologically vicious on record), trying to dig ourselves out of a historic recession, and we’re still caught in two wars with no real end in sight. Thanks must be given to James Cameron for showing us the importance of a century-old sunken ship via “Downton Abbey” meets a Michael Bay disaster movie. Oh, and featuring Billy Zane.

Yeah, I know re-releasing one of the most beloved movies of the past 25 years is a nice distraction from the world imploding around us. But there’s something very odd to me about such a popular distraction centering on two kids who confuse love with screwing each other in the back of horseless carriages on a boat that’s seconds away from breaking in two.

So, yeah, I’m probably gonna skip out on seeing “Titanic in 3D: This Time, It’s Personal.” I’m really not a fan of cold water, anyway, to be quite honest. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to order my ticket for “The Cabin in the Woods” on Fandango.