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You're giving me what for Valentine's Day?!

 

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a $13.99 per month condom subscription — just sayin’. Or how about for the “college” woman, a flask made in the shape of a pair of ruby-red lips. Is that a subtle hint that females enrolled in institutions of higher learning drink too much? 

These are just samples of some of the more “unique” gifts out there, pre-loaded into Cupid’s quiver and aimed directly at us ladies. As Feb. 14 approaches, I decided to do a little research, just to see if I might be missing out on anything really good (usually I get flowers I manage to kill or candy I don’t need to eat); not that I’m unappreciative, but I’m not entirely convinced my husband puts a whole lot of thought into these things. So I thought, OK, maybe I’ll make him go out on a limb here and ask for something off-the-wall. But where to find such information?

Esquire.com encouraged my straying from the straight-and-narrow by providing a list of 101 Valentine’s gifts for every woman imaginable. I said they encouraged it; not validated it. The above two gifts I mentioned just don’t grab me for some reason.

Now I don’t have enough word space to list the entire 101 items, but I do have enough characters left to name a few of the more interesting ones. For the complete inventory, just go to the website.

For the woman who likes bright and shiny things: the ugliest red, black and gold bracelet I’ve ever seen.

For the accessorized woman: a very cheap-looking jewelry tree to hang the ugly red, black and gold bracelet on.

For the woman whose friends are always over: a set of knives and hatchets that would do Hannibal Lecter proud.

For the Twitter-obsessed woman: a crudely-made pewter necklace that touts “@the hippest.” Seriously?

For the woman who feels bad about her neck: a shawl. Love to see the card that accompanies that gift.

For the woman with a man that travels a lot: a mirror that has the words “you are beautiful” etched into it. OK, that one just made me laugh.

And the list goes on, and on, and on. Oh, and by the way, the condom subscription? For the woman who gets it. 

Now I don’t know about you other ladies, but I’m hoping this list was compiled strictly for humor’s sake. Because it’s a given, none of these supposed gifts really do it for me. The traditional is something I’ll never take for granted again. Not all the items listed are that bad; there are very expensive bottles of perfumes and really nice bath oils and foams on the list. But for the most part, I laughed my way through it. 

So, for you guys who didn’t quit reading after the condom suggestion: flowers and candy ain’t half bad.

 

Angela Rogalski is a print journalism senior who lives in Abbeville. Follow her on Twitter @abbeangel.