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Tips for Texans

Another crop of freshmen have made the journey from their homelands to Oxford. Once again, about half of them are from Houston and Dallas.
As I have split my life between New Orleans, Oxford and Dallas, I think I have a helpful perspective about Texans in Oxford. I’ve heard rumor that Texans can be obnoxious and irritating with our pride about our home state. I have a few tips to help these Texans make a smooth transition between the Once and Future Republic of Texas and Oxford.
Call Texas “The Once and Future Republic of Texas.”
Everyone loves when you refer to Texas by its long name. If others pretend to think it’s obnoxious and annoying, ignore them. They’re just jealous. Their states were never their own countries, and that makes them sad.
Try your hardest to be sympathetic, while secretly (or openly; your choice) gloating over the fact that your driver’s license is slightly less hideous than all other states’ licenses because it depicts the beautiful state capitol of Texas.
Remark on the dearth of retail in Mississippi.
I know. You’re used to at least four J.Crews in your local metropolitan area. I just looked it up, and I beg that you sit down before you read this next line: Mississippi has two. No, really, Mississippi only has two J.Crews. One is in Madison and the other is in Gulfport. We have 19 in Texas.
I have four malls within 30 minutes of my house back home. It’s horrible. But you know the best way to get retail to come to Oxford is to drum up a market, and the only way to do that is to make sure everyone knows that there are no stores anywhere around here. Comment, and comment often.
Let everyone know that Chipotle is the best restaurant ever, and that they’re missing out by being Mississippians.
We all know that Chipotle is the food of the gods. We don’t know why, and we don’t care. But if you were hoping for a little bit of a tasty burrito bowl, you’re out of luck. The closest one is in Memphis. It’s terrible.
The most terrible, heartbreaking part, though, is that people in Mississippi have largely never eaten Chipotle. Console them. Let them know what they’re missing out on.
Do it loudly and frequently, so that you can spread the word to as many people as possible. When you go on trips out of state, make sure you research the area and find all of the Chipotles. Then, when you get there, make everyone on the trip detour and get it. Really. They’ll appreciate it. You’re doing them a favor.
Let people know how things are done in Texas.
It’s obvious that things are done better in Texas. Everyone knows it, even if they won’t admit it. It doesn’t matter what’s in question, they’re done bigger and better in Texas. Our Mexican food is better, our salsa is spicier and our driving actually involves things like pressing the gas pedal and driving efficiently. People in Texas don’t stop at yield signs, now do they? No. (They do here. Prepare for some road rage).
If you let everyone know what they’re doing wrong and how it’s done right, eventually, they’ll start making changes. You can help make Mississippi better by letting the people here know how it’s done best (by Texas).
Get one of those “SECEDE” bumper stickers for your Yukon.
Oh, you don’t have a Yukon? Then for your red 335i. These bumper stickers serve two purposes: They show that you’re from Texas, and they remind people that without Texas, they are nothing. We have the power to secede from the U.S. whenever we want. Oh, Texans are annoying? Well what will you do without our oil when we secede? Huh? Get it from Oklahoma or New Orleans?
Fine, but it’s not oil from Texas, so it’s entirely inferior. Enjoy your inferior oil, Mississippi. You can say all of that in just one word with a bumper sticker that plasters the word “SECEDE” over a Texas flag. It’s the succinctness that really seals the deal.

Alexandra Williamson is an accountancy senior from Frisco, Texas. Follow her on Twitter @alyxwi.