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It's hard out here for a Republican

 

Voters take their issues pretty seriously. There are family values, the economy, the Constitution, taxes and personal freedom, just to name a few. This is largely why the Republican Party has surged in the past few years, and 2012 was supposed to shake things up even more.

Despite all the force behind the GOP, it somehow chose incredibly unimpressive candidates. The party once known for the Reagan Revolution just doesn’t have much going for it. Sure, there’s the Tea Party, but we’re still paying for a decade and a half of bad decisions.

Let’s be honest, being a Republican this year is like being single in your 30s: You’ve had better but you’re just going to have to settle. Since Ole Miss is not only extremely conservative but also has tons of people who pretty much just want to get married, allow me to continue the analogy with the Republican options.

First, the irrelevant candidates. There’s Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico. The GOP invited him to a few debates but eventually your parents — the media — stopped allowing you to hang out with Johnson, probably because he’s pro-marijuana. Maybe Johnson could have worked, but since the GOP started ignoring him he’s joined the Libertarian Party.

Then there’s Buddy Roemer, the person whose face you’ve seen but literally had no idea what his name was. The former congressman from Louisiana won’t accept donations greater than $100, so he’s pretty much asking to be forgotten.

Speaking of money, there’s Mitt Romney, the loaded, charming person everyone says you should like. Romney’s the Jay Gatsby of politics without all the alcohol-laden parties. That’s also his downfall; despite how popular he is, he’s so secretive it’s creepy.

He’s been married to his high school sweetheart for 40 years, which looks good compared to Newt Gingrich. But in all honesty, Romney has had an open marriage with conservatism for decades. When you look at his stances on abortion, TARP, the second amendment and health care mandates, you see why his nickname is Obamney.

Of course, there’s Rick Santorum, whose continued presence no one can figure out. It’s probably because he’s the nice person who goes to church every week that Grandma loves but seems to have a lot of personal issues. He acts like a decent person but it’s hard to take someone seriously when they talk like there’s a question mark at the end of every other sentence.

Gingrich is the crazy ex of the Republican Party that it just can’t get rid of. He’s a genius and would probably accomplish a lot. He was even Speaker of the House — in 1994. This guy should be playing golf in Myrtle Beach, not campaigning for president there. True conservatives seem to trust him a lot more when he’s not in politics, anyway.

Finally, there’s Ron Paul, who’s like the person without a Facebook because of how much the media ignores the guy. He’s been around forever, but his consistency is why he’s especially relevant. It’s his third time trying to be president, and he’s still the only person who takes his vow to uphold the Constitution seriously.

He’s the only candidate who treats us like adults, has never compromised his values and speaks to us with common sense. He’s difficult because he’s always right. Americans continue to bash Gingrich because, naturally, people hate to admit when they’re wrong. Perhaps Paul’s wisdom explains why he has more support from members of the military than all the other candidates combined, making the people who say his foreign policy isn’t aggressive enough just look foolish.

Gingrich is the most conservative candidate, but everyone says Republicans should write him off because he’s not photogenic, a smooth talker, filthy rich and because his suits look like they came from the clearance rack at JCPenney. Paul’s no Reagan, but Americans are essentially choosing of their own free will to be like the mom in that movie “The Notebook,” which I swear I’ve never seen.

This election is basically an arranged marriage in which we’re pretty depressed about our ultimate option of Romney vs. Obama; it’s not the most romantic story ever, but that’s politics. At least 2012 is a wake-up call. Huntsman 2016, anybody?

 

Alec Jones is a junior accountancy major from Catonsville, Md. “Like” him at facebook.com/thealecjones.